Rat King

A brief election inspired Shakespeare-Trump play for my Shakespeare Lit Class

ACT l.

SCENE I. A desert place.
Enter three journalists

FIRST JOURNALIST (MSNBC)

When shall we three meet again
In times of peace, no, times of war?

SECOND JOURNALIST (FOX)

When the phase of bleached decorum is done,
When the debates are silenced, and loudest,
When the quarrelling becomes all the same
And when hell is over and begins true

THIRD JOURNALIST (CNN)

That will be eve of new, where new is old.
Where the pomp and pageantry twines with oath.
Tis the coronation of our new King!

FIRST JOURNALIST (MSNBC)

Where the place? As there bears no holy ground.

SECOND JOURNALIST (FOX)

The Capitol or some ominous room

THIRD JOURNALIST (CNN)

There to meet Drumpf and Hal – the twined princes

FIRST JOURNALIST (MSNBC)

I will attend

SECOND JOURNALIST (FOX)

Ah! Then there we will feast

THIRD JOURNALIST (CNN)

Democracy chosen, and chosen bent,
Obscured in fog and ice and all the smite
All that can be hated will be hated thrice,
with our pockets lined, our riches buried.
So the game proclaims and this is truest:
That Fair is foul and foul is fair,
Then we shall be most foulest and fairest this year.

ALL

And there our fate will be wrought

SCENE II
Drumpf seated. JON arrives.

JON

Now is the dearest time to prepare, Sir
At the debate the moderator’ll probe
Say: What proof do you have for your greatness?
And what should you say? How shall you answer?

DRUMPF

My greatness is owed. Divinity stirred!
From the gold crown to the blinding riches.
I was told once: “You are destined to rule
The feeble minded, the inferior.
The angry, thrice spurred, will coo at your feet.
You: Pied Piper to the masses of gloom
will consume their disgrace and create new.
Though that new is old, say that old is new
And say no difference of worth is found yet.”
Shall we not celebrate and profess it:
The Ailing with their foods nibbled and gone,
with their fresh, pale skin wet, bitten and spoiled,
Who will they ask but the piper to rid
The city of vermin infestation?
Who can sooth the rats more swiftly than I?
Rat-soother, Rodent-king. City savior!
No, hundreds over: Savior of the World!
Many, many will follow. Many more
And they will shout at their enemies: Sad!
Sad indeed. Those ugly rats will shudder.

JON (to the audience)

What say I? If I can say a true truth:
He is now more the rat king than Piper
So all about him are the vile rodents
And he, the knotted-tail scurries and faints,
Spooks our senses, taints our virtue and heart
With the whooping chords from his tanned bagpipes,
Or perhaps he, the biggest of the rats,
The biggest and mostest of the HUGE rats,
with his plump blond fur and whiskers of grime,
Perhaps neither ruler nor leader but
the loudest and most ugly gargoyle rat

DRUMPF

Listen! Who else but I can lead them out!
None! No other. Is that not my greatness?
Am I not the truest of the true, or
The fairest of fair! The better of best!
My crown shall be more shimmering than theirs
There shall be rubies and diamonds, but more
No dents, no loss, no failures will follow.

JON

True, but more!

DRUMPF

There is my blood! What more proof will they need?
Frederick the First, my grandfather in fact
amassed a great fortune off the Gold Rush
And Fred, my father, Frederick the Second,
lined the streets of New York with his mountains,
Shaped it with his German will and conquered.
Before then, there were lawyers, wine growers,
See? No dents, no loss, no failures to bind.

JON

True. True but failure, sir, think twice indeed,
They will find the worst, with ease, upon need.
Steaks. Failed. Travel Search. Failed. Airline. Failed Too.

DRUMPF

Wrong

JON

Vodka. Failed. Financing. Failed. Board Game. Failed.

DRUMPF

Wrong
“The lines have fallen for me in pleasant
places; indeed, I have a beautiful
inheritance.” So was spoken to me!

JON

Magazine. Failed. University. Failed.

DRUMPF

Wrong

JON

Water. Failed. Network. Failed. Football League. Failed.

DRUMPF

Wrong

JON

Cycling Tour. Dining. Radio. Internet.
Fail. Fail. Fail. They’ll see failures abound.

DRUMPF

What a nasty view for an aide to have
Such an aide himself is more the failure
Shall I judge you often by transgressions
And mark you here, or instead give lenience.
As in life success must be tasted full
Twas told once, “Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.”

JON

Beautiful quote. Add that in. Who said it!?

DRUMF

My dearest Melania.

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